I hate the weekends.

You might think I’m crazy, and that’s fine, but I do. I hate them. The weekend has too much unstructured free time. And when I have too much free time, I have too much time to think. My mind starts asking itself questions, reflecting on ************every single************ life choice it has been a part of up until this point.

************************Should I have stopped playing baseball?************************

**************************Why didn’t I go to a traditional four-year college? Will I regret that decision forever?**************************

***************************I feel like it’s time to change jobs again. I should change jobs huh?***************************

*************************Why am I such a loser…*************************

and so on and so on.

I’ve noticed it only happens on the weekends though. The thoughts start entering in the morning, just about when I’m going to wrap-up my reading and start making breakfast and am paralyzed by the choices I have to make. Do I block off a few hours and read more of my book? There are those house projects I have to get done, maybe I should do those instead? Oh, let me check Twitter. Oh cool, someone posting about how much money they made last month or how many followers they got, that’s exactly what I needed to see right now (not).

The uncertainty of the day riddles me with anxiety. I constantly ask myself how I should pass the time, but no answer seems right. So, then I get onto a delusional rant inside my head about how much of a loser I am. What, I’m being honest?

*************************Did I waste my potential?*************************

Ah, that’s something I’ve never thought about before. My potential. Is that what this feeling is? Do I somehow think I have unmatched ambition or am wasting my potential? Maybe.

Or maybe I’m just impatient. Watching and wishing the success and grind that took every one else a decade would magically happen to me in three years. Why do I think that? Oh it’s just because I’ve seen it happen to a dozen people on the internet. One day: nothing. The next: they are retweeted left and right and getting asked to come on other people’s podcasts. Why the hell can’t that be **my** potential?


The weekend has too much free time

Leonardo da Vinci on "creative procrastination:"

> Men of loft genius sometimes accomplish the most when they work the least, for their minds are occupied with their ideas and the perfection of their conceptions, to which they afterwards give form.

Creative procrastination

In James Clear's 3-2-1 Newsletter, he shared a thought that I've been feeling for awhile, but couldn't put to words very well. This happens a lot with James Clear and other great writers. They're able to say what you've been thinking. This is what Clear wrote:

> Powerful combination = Hate being bad at stuff + Willing to look like
> a beginner.
> 
> People who hate being bad at stuff are driven to improve. However, if
> they are unwilling to look like a beginner from time to time, they
> will avoid new challenges and struggle to reinvent themselves.
> 
> Meanwhile, people who are willing to try new things, but lack a thirst
> to improve will settle for mediocre results.
> 
> It's the willingness to look foolish for a short time—but not for a
> long time—that leads to jumps in performance.

This reminded me of an essay I wrote earlier in the year, ["How to Be Great? Be Okay With Being Bad."](https://www.daltonmabery.com/essays/how-to-be-great) If you want to get good at something you're currently bad at, you have to be willing to look like a fool for awhile. If you're afraid to do so, you'll never be open to new challenges. And if you're not open to new challenges, you'll never adopt new skills.

As I wrote in the essay, I want to be really good at golf. My goal is to be much, much better than your average weekend player. The only way I can get better is to go out there and try. I've become much better in the last few months, but when I first started I was embarrassed to go to the driving range and shank balls, duff chips, and miss two foot putts. The paradox in this is that the only way I could get better at not shanking balls, duffing chips, and missing those two foot putts is to practice those things. Sure I can take lessons, and I did, but I still had to put in a lot of time outside of the lessons. And most of that time was spent being embarrassed at my performance and the fact that I looked like a beginner.

**Don't be afraid to look like a fool for a year in order to look like a master in ten.**

Looking like a fool at first leads to mastery at last

**If you win at whatever game you're playing right now, would you be happy?**

This is such an amazing question to ask yourself. The best thing about it is that it can apply to so many contexts.

For me, I think about it in terms of content creation and the persona I'm trying to create for myself online and relates to [[Why I'm Learning how to code and not how to build an audience]]. I want to win the game by building an amazing product, creating an inspiring video, or writing a ground-breaking article.

Is that going to take time? Yes.
Will other people succeed faster than me? Yes.

But I want to win the game that I want want to play. In other words, **I don't want to win a game I never wanted to play in the first place.**


If you win at whatever game you're playing right now, will you be happy?